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Albuquerque, NM -- Police today had to unscramble a traffic jam of over 150 cars. The driver of the car who slammed on his brakes while speeding along I10 said that he had to stop. "The construction truck in the other lane pulled out to pass, and it has a sign on the back that says, 'Do not follow'. It had been behind another truck that said the same thing, and I had nowhere to go!" No serious injuries were reported, but police are still counting the number of fenders bent.
A spokesperson for the Department of Transportation in New Mexico is considering issuing an order forbidding construction trucks from operating on its highways except when no one is following.
Washington, D.C. -- "Grass is grass!" is the bumper sticker that is now making its way across the nation, and though authorities have been mum about what it means, the National Liberation Front for Grass has claimed responsibility for what it calls a long-term effort to turn grass into grass.
The Front claims that some scientists in California secretly were able to put the DNA strand that makes marijauna potent into regular grass seed -- Blue Grass, among others -- and that for over five years 'Johnny and Jane Grassers' have been going about the country sowing the seed everywhere they can. Scientists were able to make the grass particularly aggressive, the Front claims, and once it has begun, it quickly overwhelms whatever other grass is about. Whole golf courses are now planted wholly in what amounts to marijauna, the Front claims.
The Front's claims fit in with a rumor that has been circulating for a number of years that the individuals hired to cut grass at golf courses have been found in increasing numbers to wander off on their mowers after mowing only a small portion of a course. The first few times it happened it was assumed that the operator had reported under the influence, but incidents became so prevalent that they came to the attention of the FBI and then to the CIA and other agencies concerned with how enemies might undermine America. "We knew we were onto something," an official in the FBI said on condition of anonymity. "We had several agents go off on us when we had them try to duplicate what we were hearing, but we did not suspect a wide-spread conspiracy to undermine America's moral fibre by doping the entire nation, the golfers first!"
It is unclear how widespread a phenomenon the new form of marijauna is, but since it is indistinguishable from normal grass, releasing no tell-tale odor even when smoked, for instance, the entire nation may have been reseeded.
"There'll be no getting rid of it," a spokesperson for the Department of Agriculture said. "If it is aggressive and looks and smells like grass, our cows will be giving marijauna milk, our grass-fed steers will become carriers, and we will find ourselves unable to exterminate it without digging it all up and prohibiting anyone growing grass."
The White House has called for a special session of the National Security Council to assess what damage has already been done and what can be done to prevent further damage to the nation.